The Valuable Tools I've Learned

As I said in the previous post, there are many things I’ve learned over the course of this semester. But overall, I must say what I learned most from this course was how to view the conflicts I encounter and how to handle them also. Before I took this class, like many others, I had a negative view of conflict (something we’ve been hearing all semester). But after the first couple of readings we did, I learned real quick conflict is something that is inevitable and I had to learn how to deal with them rather than avoid them. When it comes to learning how to handle my conflicts better, I felt learning how to view my conflicts came hand-in-hand with this. Once I learned how to view them, I was able to handle them much better. The S-TLC system was probably what helped me the most. This system was something I was able to put to use in every one of my conflicts and I feel is something that will help me in the near future when it comes to all my relationships. This class was very helpful and I’m glad I was able to take part in this course, by far one of the most informative and entertaining classes I’ve been in at SJSU. 

Comm 115 Experience

There are so many things I can say when it comes to liking this class. But overall I must say what I liked most about this class was the knowledge we gained out of this course that we could use in real life. My experience at San Jose State, and in school general, was that I would learn the material but only to be able to pass, after the semester what I learned would go straight out my head. With this course I felt I was learning with every assigned reading, project, and what my classmates posted on their blog’s. I really felt this course was worthwhile. The only weakness I could think of is that probably at the start of the semester we could have had a little more time to start our posts, because people may not have access to the book yet for various financial reasons, like me. But, overall I loved this course and I would definitely recommend it to other students. Because I know everyone could benefit from what we’ve learned thus far in the semester. 

Negative View of Conflict

I feel people have negative views of conflict because of their past experiences of being in a conflict. I know before I took this class I didn’t really understand conflict and I was like most people. I associated conflict with negativity because the result of all the ones I’ve been in. Also I feel people view it negatively because they don’t know how to handle them, and because of that the conflict ends with a bad result. If people knew more about not just conflict but also how to handle them, then I feel they would not have such a negative view of it or be fearful when in the midst of one. If they could learn how to approach a conflict and resolve their matters with others in a more positive way, they would be so uneasy when they’re in a conflict. It’s working for me, so I believe it can work for them to, because I was once in their shoes. 

Uncertainty Theory

The one concept that stood out to me in this week’s reading was the Uncertainty Theory. The book states that this theory occurs in a conflict situation when we have insufficient information to understand another’s motives, goals, or behaviors or when we do not understand how another is responding to us. This concept stood out to me, I can see in many of my conflicts where this is what took place. As I always talk about, this has happened probably in most of my conflicts with my roommates. Sometimes I infer things about others I am in conflict with and handle the situation completely wrong from there. Most of the time when it comes to me and this theory, I have said or done things that were detrimental to the relationship of the person I am in the conflict with. For example, after calling my roommate dirty, we had an awkwardness between us for a few days. I understand now form this theory that sometimes I have to look at a problems as a whole, and not jump to inferences based on unclear issues. 

Chapter 10

When I do an internet search using the terms forgiveness, reconciliation, and revenge many different sites pertaining to religion, and counseling services appear. For example, when I use the term forgiveness I found sites about Christianity view on forgiveness, how forgiveness is healthy, and counseling services to help individuals forgive. When I used the term reconciliation I also I found sites about different religions such as, Islam and Catholicism perspective on reconciliation, the meaning of reconciliation, the movie, and gossip about celebrities reconcile relationships. Moreover, when I used the term revenge I found sites about movies and shows with the word revenge, the definition of revenge, and news about individuals getting revenge. Out of all the terms, forgiveness produced the most results. I think forgiveness had the most results, because it is prevalent throughout our world, heavily practiced in religion, and there many services and people who offer their views on forgiveness and healthy ways to forgive.

Attributions

Making false attributions is something I feel we do all the time amongst ourselves. I can’t seem to remember the last time I did so and it exacerbated a conflict, but I do know there a certain situations where they come up in my daily life. For example, when me and my roommates place wagers on video games. When it comes to this situation no one wants to lose in the game or their money. So there are times when the loser, sometimes being myself, will say things like “you cheated” or “you only one because of….”. None of these has ever escalated into a serious conflict though. Another example is when two of my other roommates and I have a problem with our fourth roommates cleaning habits. Sometimes we give excuses like “he’s too hard headed to talk to” because we feel since he doesn’t clean after we tell him he must be. On the other hand I do believe there are times where attributions can be accurate and helpful at the same time. For example, when you notice someone is short tempered or gets angry quite fast. Sometimes in a situation like this one might feel that this person is very short tempered; therefore saying things like “I can’t work with you because you have no patience”. 

Forgiveness

For this week the idea that stood out to me was forgiveness. For me, forgiveness is very important. Not only to give to others, but also for others to be able to forgive me too. I want to believe that I am a forgiving person but sometimes, especially during a conflict, I understand I may be a little hypocritical and not quick to forgive others. I tend not to let things get to me and if they do I try not to let them linger as a problem for too long. So when it comes to forgiveness, if I catch myself not giving it to others I try my best to let it go and understand people make mistakes. Also as a Christian I believe it is morally correct to forgive others as God forgives you. But there are some instances, like that of my uncle’s which I briefly talked about in my last post, where forgiveness becomes quite hard to give. I do feel one day may be able to forgive him, but as for now I don’t think I’m ready. Other than this instance, as I said before I try to be forgiving; because for me if you forgive others it easier for them to forgive you. 

Learning to Forgive

When it comes to forgiveness I am willing to forgive anyone because life is too hard to hold grudges. But even so, due to a particular even in my life, there is someone I could never forgive and that is my uncle. The reason being is because, to make a long story short, he took my father’s life. For obvious reasons this is why it is so hard for me to forgive him. He not only took away future memories I could have shared with my father, he took him away from my family. And what hurt the most is seeing my mom lose her significant other, and being left with the burden of taking care of me and my two other siblings at a young age. To me out of all the hurt he brought to my family, what hurt the most was seeing my mom hurt that bad. I can’t explain all what took place during this event because it would an essay to do so. But one thing I can tell you is despite what happened, I do believe everything happens for a reason, both good and bad; and even though me and my family are doing well I don’t feel I can ever forgive my “so-called” uncle. 

Social Networks

Social networks are something that I take part in on a regular basis. I do have a Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter and sometimes I feel without them I would be left out from the social life most of friends take part in. When it comes to these social networks I try my best to not only portray myself in an appropriate manner, but also I try to portray myself as the real me. Now when I say the real me, I mean any information or post I decide to put on my page doesn’t portray as someone I’m not, or “fake”. Hopefully when others see my profiles on these networks, the impressions they get are good ones; and they can see that my profile and what I post on them parallels to the person I am in reality. But of course there are times where I have screwed up with my post. Most of the time initially I don’t see nothing wrong with my post, it’s not until after I realize what I said or posted showed me in a negative light. This relates to conflict and communication because in most cases when this happens to me it’s a family member that dislike what I posted. So even if what I posted was alright to me, to them they may have a problem with it. I do hear them put though, and sometimes realize what I posted didn’t portray who I am as a person in a good way. 

Life's Challenges

After going over the readings from this week, I must say the one thing that stood out to me was the three solutions to lightening up. The reason being is because at this point in my life I feel there are a lot of things that are “pulling” me in different directions, I have a part time job as a recreational leader at The Boys & Girls Club, I’m a walk-on, and I am a college student. All these things have their own agenda and I am expected to put forth my best effort in all these areas despite what is going on outside of these things. I continuously feel that I am overloaded with too much to deal with; but the three solutions that I can put to use with these daily activities can help me handle my stress levels and change my outlook on my job, school, and basketball. As I stated in a previous blog I posted this week, the first solution of distinguishing work and play and viewing work as something we do for the sake of something else could help me with me recreational duties. The second solution of changing the way I feel about everyday activities would help with my school work. I feel this could help because with this solution implemented in this area for the simple fact school work is an everyday activity for a college student, so we might as well enjoy doing it. Then lastly, the third solution of integration could help with my walk-on situation.  Because as I stated before I am beginning to understand I may not achieve the things I want to with basketball without going through struggle. As it says in the readings “joy and pain are often found in the same place”. 

Expressing My Anger

I am a person who simply does not express my anger until a certain extent. I tend to hold my anger in and comtinue to let it build until I cannot withstand my aggression any more. It takes a lot to get me angry, but once I reach that point where I cannot hold my anger in, sometimes everyone catch my wrath. When I was younger I used to have an anger problem and I blew up in every situation. I took anger management to curtail my fury and it stopped me from blowing up on people when I get angry, but now I have a bad habit of holding my anger in. The outcome of holding in my anger usually results in me keeping to myself and not expressing to others how I really feel. However, when I do finally blow up I do so in aggressive manner, slandering and ostracizing the person that made me angry. I know it is not healthy for me to keep my aggression inside that’s why I blow up very rarely on people because I do not like others to experience that side of me.

The Three Solutions

As a college student my daily life always seems to be to stressful to handle. Most of the time it seems like I don’t have time for anything; work, school, and basketball seems to just leave me with so much stress. But after reading chapter 7, I do see where I can implement the three solutions to help deal with my stress situation. The first solution could help me when it comes to my school work. I feel this could help because I do need to understand the severity of gaining an education is and also realize that even though times will get tough I’m doing it for the “sake” of obtaining a successful future. Now when it comes to dealing with the stress that comes with my job I should definitely focus on the second solution. This solution states that a way to lighten up is to view that play is an attitude of mind that may pervade any human activity. To me this simply means to relax and have some fun. Even though my part time job as can be stressful, it’s not as bad as I make it, and sometimes if I don’t go there with the wrong type of attitude I wouldn’t be stressed out so much. Lastly the third solution, integration, is to understand that joy and pain often are found in the same place. Being a walk on can be very stressful. You make a team and have to do everything scholarship players do but aren’t even guaranteed to play or even be on the team the next year.  But I do need to and have been beginning to understand that success isn’t achieved without struggle, and I know where I am it doesn’t dictate where I am going. 

The threat of Distrust

To me this week's readings were very interesting. But out of all the topics covered, the threat of distrust stood out to me the most. Learning that distrust and unhealthy trust can both be detrimental to any type of relationship and can contribute to a harmful conflict situation was eye opening to me. Not as if I didn't know not trusting someone can mess two people's relationship up. But because the booked talked about the motives and reason why someone is considered distrustful or why you have an unhealthy trust issue with them. This entire chapter though was very helpful for me. I have a lot of trust issues and this helped me better understand them. Understand them in a sense of how to deal with them and how I should probably go about fixing some of them. I do understand the ramifications of not having trust in people, and hopefully I can make some changes with some of them to better our relationship. But don’t get me wrong, some lines should never be crossed. 

Unbalanced Power

I never had to think about how I felt being in a relationship where someone has more or less power. But after reading this chapter, I must say I have been both the one with and without the power, and the feelings you get from both of them are totally different. 
A situation where I’m mostly the one with less power, my relationship with my mom sticks out. You see my mom, no matter how old I get, is still my mom. So most of the time what she says goes. Sometimes when there is a conflict or disagreement between the two of us, confronting her about it or talking to her about it is challenging. Because both she and I know no matter what, her way is the way I will follow most of the time. In a sense you feel, helpless because you know what the other person says goes in situations like this. Feeling more powerful, generally gives me a feeling that I think most like. The feeling of knowing you have influence over how a situation plays out. Being the one with the power, I see now, can be both bad and good. Good in the sense that what you say is kind of what goes. Also if you know what's best, you have the power to influence the other party your way is the best way. But bad because, sometimes it ends up just you looking like a bully. I feel there is a correct balance between having too much or too little power, and if you figure out the medium between the two your can have a healthy relationship with another person regardless of the circumstances.

Trust Issues

Trust has been an issue for me since I was a little kid. There have been many times where I’ve lost trust for someone, but I must say the one that hurts the most is the trust I lost in my uncle. I won’t get to personal, but he basically disrespected my mother and my family during the time of my father’s death. I reacted in a bad way and became very angry with him because of this. The damaged he caused was so severe that till this day we don’t speak to him. Our trust with each other was not and still isn’t restored. Like the book states, “we trust others when we think they have our best interest at heart and do not wish to hurt us”. All these things that apply to trust is what I felt he violated. Lines were crossed that shouldn’t have been, and because of this I believe I can never trust him again. 

Listening

The topic I would like to highlight in this week’s reading of Chapter 4 is listening. This concept stood out to me the most because it is a tool that I know can help or hinder me for the rest of my life. Naturally, I am I very vocal person. I tend to express my ideas and usually when I feel passionate about something I can argue about it intensely. At the same time while in a conflict or arguing with someone if I feel views are correct I tend not to listen to what the other person is saying or be critical about their views. Although I do believe I am a good listener, when it comes to situations in conflict that include me as one of the parties I turn away from being one. The book states listening is the desire to pay attention to another person, be open to their views, not be judgmental, and last but not least be patient. Being that I want to go into Public Relations as a career I know this is a tool I can very well use in the near future. So I hope this is one method I can put to use and make a part of my everyday character. 

Chapter 4: Question 2

When it comes to what I’m thinking while others talk, there’s a little bit of both concentrating on what they are saying and a little bit of focusing on just my own ideas too.  I say this because sometimes if I feel the other party is arguing back and forth irrationally I tend to focus on just my words when I am thinking. It is not the best reasoning, but it what mostly happen, rather I want to or not. Although, there are times where I do focus on what the other party is saying in the midst of a conflict; for example, when I argue with my girlfriend, family (sometimes), and in school situations. Furthermore, when others are talking I do not write what they have to say down. The reason being is because, one it is not in my nature to do so and two, I have never been taught to do that either.

Handling "Time Out's"

Usually for me it’s a bit hard to stop a conflict when I’m taking a part in it. After reading about “Stopping: Taking Time Out”, I realized I probably could have used these steps to help hinder my past conflicts from escalating to the point they got to. Especially with step number one. Step number one says to: Exit temporarily to calm yourself, and let the other party know you are not abandoning the situation and you will return. I feel this step would be helpful to use because in many of the conflicts I have taken a part in, most of the things being said are said out of anger or defense, and most likely not thought through before it came out my mouth. Lastly, when it comes to the way I handle a “time out”, there aren’t many ways. The one method I use that sticks out to me is yelling until I basically tune the person out or simply ignore them. Not the best method, but it seem to be the one I resort to the most. 

Mediating

I feel after reading chapter 11 the one concept or idea that stood out to me came from the whole chapter; what the definition of a mediator is and the right way to mediate.

Throughout my life time and the past conflicts I have taken apart in, I have always found myself being the mediator. After reading this chapter and learning about the role of a mediator and the steps to take during mediation, I realize how much help reading this chapter could have done and how much help it will do in the future. This chapter taught me how fractionation, framing, reframing, and common ground all could help in solving a dispute or conflict between two parties. Fractionation stood out to me the most. As explained in my previous post, this is the concept of breaking down complex issues into smaller, more manageable ones. This is a step that I know can help in all my conflicts and mediations the most. Because I feel this step takes a problem or issue and helps the parties deal with each issue one at a time. And with this starting step used in each conflict, whether I’m the mediator or not, I know can help any issue reach a resolution in a more quick and civil process.  

Chapter 11: Fractionation, Framing, Reframing, & Common Ground

Fractionation, framing, reframing, and common ground are techniques one may use form solving problems that do not involve interpersonal conflicts. As a mediator I can use these tools when there is a conflict between two parties. The first of these techniques is called fractionation. Fractionation is the process in which the mediator breaks down a bigger or more “complex” issue(s) into smaller, more manageable ones. I would be able to use this technique most likely in a dorm setting between two roommates. The next technique is framing; in which I would ask neutral or friendly questions that avoid blame or passing judgment and summarize the issues. I could use this technique when it comes to group activities, such as sports or projects. The third technique is reframing. Reframing is when the mediator restates the negative, biased, or accusatory statements made by one of the parties in more of a neutral terminology. Or restates positions in a way where the two parties look at the issue(s) differently. I feel people could use this technique in like a recovery clinic (alcohol/drug abuse). Many people in those clinics or interventions blame others or outside forces for their negative problems. But this reframing technique could help them look at issues diffidently. Lastly, common ground is the last technique. Common ground is when the mediator highlights attitudes, values, behaviors, expectations, and goals the parties shared and can serve as the basis for an agreement. I feel this technique is probably the most valuable and can be used for any type of conflict. Because I feel once people can see how similar they are to one another, in the ways the mediator highlights, they can come to a resolution much quicker and with less conflicting views.

Chapter 11: Mediation

A mediator is defined as a third party who has no decision-making power regarding the outcome of the mediation. I feel those who major in communication should make good mediators because from what they have learned, I believe they can keep an open mind, encourage cooperation rather than competition, and should have learned that during mediating you must be unbiased. Also, as said in the book, lawyers usually approach mediation the same way as litigation. Furthermore, I feel with lawyers and psychotherapist, they must choose a side either because they are defending someone or seeking truth (lawyers), and are trying to increase an individual’s sense of his or her own well-being (psychotherapist). For reasons like this I feel a lawyer and a psychotherapist would find it hard to play the role of a mediator. Lastly when it comes to lawyers and taking a dispute to court, the disputing parties are more likely to cooperate because they have more of a say in the outcome of the dispute being mediated. 

The relationship-centered orientation

After reading through chapter 3, the concept of the relationship-centered orientation stood out to me the most. This stood out to me because not only is it a concept I would like to put to use in every one of my conflicts, it also would be best for most if not all to use in their everyday struggles with others. At this point in my life there has and will continue to be many conflicts that will take place throughout my daily routines. Especially being that I’m a college student things like group projects and living in dorms has placed many conflicts in my way that I probably didn’t handle so good. Most of the time when it comes to conflicts in those two areas it’s hard to come to a compromise fitting for both sides. So I feel the relationship centered orientation is something I could use with these problems. But most importantly, where I feel this orientation could help the most is with my relationship. Constantly my girlfriend and I face conflicts where it seems each person’s resolution is better than the others. But being in a relationship you learn to come to compromises all the time, sometimes what’s best for the both of you may not be best for one.  In conclusion, this is an orientation I find to put into play in my life and I hope will help me get through my conflicts in the best way possible. 

Chapter 3: Abuse vs Discipline

To me this is a topic I am very passionate about, the difference between abuse and discipline. I feel the difference between the two has to do with excessiveness and control. I think a parent who is abusive hits their children excessively and uncontrollably to the point where they are physically hurting the child. While a parent who is trying to just discipline their child may hit them but not excessively and to the point where they are not causing physical damage. In my community and the way I grew up parents do discipline their children by “spanking” or “whooping” them, I feel this is very common in the African American lifestyle especially in poverty stricken areas. The reason I say that is because I feel parents’ discipline their children either to show them something or what they did is wrong. And in communities like the one I grew up in, Oakland, California, disciplining their children this way is sometimes needed. Now some might say there are others ways to teach a child right from wrong, but I feel the punishment given to the child equals the severity of the possible outcome if the child does wrong.

            For example, in my community stay out after the street lights goes on can get a kid in a   

            lot of trouble with their parents. That’s because during this time the drug dealers come

            out, shootings and robberies occur, and overall there are a lot of unknown dangers out

            there. So in turn if they do stay out past this time a whooping, to me, would suffice. But

            now let’s take a kid from a wealthy area that does this same thing. Staying out after the

            street lights are on won’t put you in the middle of the same type of dangers a kid from

            my community is put in. That’s why I feel this is a topic that should be decided in

            each household not by society. Furthermore the reason I did throw in African American

            previously is because, in society, or at least in the area I grew up in, minorities were the

            ones who disciplined their children this way, while the upper class communities

            (mostly Caucasians) were against hitting their kids. But like I said before “punishment

            given to the child equals the severity of the possible outcome if the child does wrong”.

In conclusion, I feel parents overstep their paternal authority to punish their children when they excessively “beat” them and physically or mentally hurt their children. I have had "whoopings" plenty of times and I know my mom knows the difference between abuse and discipline; not one time have I had a swollen eye or broken bone from her. But I did realize that what I did was wrong and never to do it again. 

Chapter 3: Orientation

After reading chapter 3 it came to my attention that I tend to use an orientation not of my liking, the self-centered orientation. While I was reading I kept telling myself this couldn't be me, but looking back at my past conflicts this has been what I leaned towards more. Now that I am older though, the relationship-centered orientation has come up here and there in conflicts I have been in, especially with my girlfriend. What stands out to me after pondering on my past conflicts, and it's sad to say, but the self-centered orientation has probably left me with a more satisfied outcome. When I do use this method it always seems that my way is the best way. I know it sounds harsh but this is what crosses my mind (in no way am I saying my way is what’s right though). This is not an orientation a favor but I do feel it is sometimes needed. For example, when I work with a group and the members are shy and we need to get something done.  Or when a deadline needs to be met and no one is making an effort in trying to meet that deadline.  So in these cases I do think this orientation is needed, I may be wrong, but I do feel it works sometimes. Other than situations like this, I feel and want to use the relationship-orientation more when it comes to conflicts I face on a daily basis. Not only do I feel this is the best way to solve a conflict, I feel it is a way where both parties can get both of their needs equally satisfied. 

Chapter 1 & 2

Chapter 1: To me, I do believe conflict is a trait we are born with. From the first time we step foot on this earth conflict is something we begin to go through on a daily basis. In the Webster dictionary conflict is defined as: a mental struggle resulting from opposing needs, drives, wishes, or external demands. As we go through life I feel we have to make decisions like these every day. I think when people hear the word “conflict” they automatically give it a negative connotation. But it’s simply making decisions to get a certain outcome, and I feel this trait is something we as humans are naturally born with. Also, I feel conflict is one of the traits that distinctively sets us apart from any other living creature on earth. Unlike like most living things that have one purpose in life and stick to the same routine everyday; we have the power to choose and make decisions every second of our life. One can decide to be a vegetarian one day and then the next day decides to eat meat again. We can decide to exercise on a daily basis or be lazy and do nothing all day. These are examples of conflicts that we go through, and in my eyes what makes us more human rather than less. This trait or concept of conflict is something I believe is very valuable for us. Overall, I suppose without conflict, we wouldn’t be able to make some of the daily decisions we have to make throughout our lifetime.

Chapter 2: After reading chapter two, what stuck out to me the most was the last and final phase of the process view of conflict. The resolution phase. When I think of any conflict I have had with someone I realize that this last phase is one which I often don’t meet. There have been many instances where I could not accomplish this phase in a conflict, especially in my relationships. When it comes to an argument or conflict I tend to be very stubborn. I either always try to get my point across or simply ignore what the problem is. Usually when a conflict begins with another person, we argue over and over until a solution that is best fitting comes up. Or one of the most often and probably worst things I do is just stop talking about the argument or to the person and the conflict never reaches its end. “Just sweep the dirt under the rug” mentality. The way I feel I can change my thinking or view of this process, is by simply taking my time with each phase and trying to reach a resolution. Most importantly I want to try to not ignore the conflict rather than find a good solution.