Listening

The topic I would like to highlight in this week’s reading of Chapter 4 is listening. This concept stood out to me the most because it is a tool that I know can help or hinder me for the rest of my life. Naturally, I am I very vocal person. I tend to express my ideas and usually when I feel passionate about something I can argue about it intensely. At the same time while in a conflict or arguing with someone if I feel views are correct I tend not to listen to what the other person is saying or be critical about their views. Although I do believe I am a good listener, when it comes to situations in conflict that include me as one of the parties I turn away from being one. The book states listening is the desire to pay attention to another person, be open to their views, not be judgmental, and last but not least be patient. Being that I want to go into Public Relations as a career I know this is a tool I can very well use in the near future. So I hope this is one method I can put to use and make a part of my everyday character. 

Chapter 4: Question 2

When it comes to what I’m thinking while others talk, there’s a little bit of both concentrating on what they are saying and a little bit of focusing on just my own ideas too.  I say this because sometimes if I feel the other party is arguing back and forth irrationally I tend to focus on just my words when I am thinking. It is not the best reasoning, but it what mostly happen, rather I want to or not. Although, there are times where I do focus on what the other party is saying in the midst of a conflict; for example, when I argue with my girlfriend, family (sometimes), and in school situations. Furthermore, when others are talking I do not write what they have to say down. The reason being is because, one it is not in my nature to do so and two, I have never been taught to do that either.

Handling "Time Out's"

Usually for me it’s a bit hard to stop a conflict when I’m taking a part in it. After reading about “Stopping: Taking Time Out”, I realized I probably could have used these steps to help hinder my past conflicts from escalating to the point they got to. Especially with step number one. Step number one says to: Exit temporarily to calm yourself, and let the other party know you are not abandoning the situation and you will return. I feel this step would be helpful to use because in many of the conflicts I have taken a part in, most of the things being said are said out of anger or defense, and most likely not thought through before it came out my mouth. Lastly, when it comes to the way I handle a “time out”, there aren’t many ways. The one method I use that sticks out to me is yelling until I basically tune the person out or simply ignore them. Not the best method, but it seem to be the one I resort to the most. 

Mediating

I feel after reading chapter 11 the one concept or idea that stood out to me came from the whole chapter; what the definition of a mediator is and the right way to mediate.

Throughout my life time and the past conflicts I have taken apart in, I have always found myself being the mediator. After reading this chapter and learning about the role of a mediator and the steps to take during mediation, I realize how much help reading this chapter could have done and how much help it will do in the future. This chapter taught me how fractionation, framing, reframing, and common ground all could help in solving a dispute or conflict between two parties. Fractionation stood out to me the most. As explained in my previous post, this is the concept of breaking down complex issues into smaller, more manageable ones. This is a step that I know can help in all my conflicts and mediations the most. Because I feel this step takes a problem or issue and helps the parties deal with each issue one at a time. And with this starting step used in each conflict, whether I’m the mediator or not, I know can help any issue reach a resolution in a more quick and civil process.  

Chapter 11: Fractionation, Framing, Reframing, & Common Ground

Fractionation, framing, reframing, and common ground are techniques one may use form solving problems that do not involve interpersonal conflicts. As a mediator I can use these tools when there is a conflict between two parties. The first of these techniques is called fractionation. Fractionation is the process in which the mediator breaks down a bigger or more “complex” issue(s) into smaller, more manageable ones. I would be able to use this technique most likely in a dorm setting between two roommates. The next technique is framing; in which I would ask neutral or friendly questions that avoid blame or passing judgment and summarize the issues. I could use this technique when it comes to group activities, such as sports or projects. The third technique is reframing. Reframing is when the mediator restates the negative, biased, or accusatory statements made by one of the parties in more of a neutral terminology. Or restates positions in a way where the two parties look at the issue(s) differently. I feel people could use this technique in like a recovery clinic (alcohol/drug abuse). Many people in those clinics or interventions blame others or outside forces for their negative problems. But this reframing technique could help them look at issues diffidently. Lastly, common ground is the last technique. Common ground is when the mediator highlights attitudes, values, behaviors, expectations, and goals the parties shared and can serve as the basis for an agreement. I feel this technique is probably the most valuable and can be used for any type of conflict. Because I feel once people can see how similar they are to one another, in the ways the mediator highlights, they can come to a resolution much quicker and with less conflicting views.

Chapter 11: Mediation

A mediator is defined as a third party who has no decision-making power regarding the outcome of the mediation. I feel those who major in communication should make good mediators because from what they have learned, I believe they can keep an open mind, encourage cooperation rather than competition, and should have learned that during mediating you must be unbiased. Also, as said in the book, lawyers usually approach mediation the same way as litigation. Furthermore, I feel with lawyers and psychotherapist, they must choose a side either because they are defending someone or seeking truth (lawyers), and are trying to increase an individual’s sense of his or her own well-being (psychotherapist). For reasons like this I feel a lawyer and a psychotherapist would find it hard to play the role of a mediator. Lastly when it comes to lawyers and taking a dispute to court, the disputing parties are more likely to cooperate because they have more of a say in the outcome of the dispute being mediated. 

The relationship-centered orientation

After reading through chapter 3, the concept of the relationship-centered orientation stood out to me the most. This stood out to me because not only is it a concept I would like to put to use in every one of my conflicts, it also would be best for most if not all to use in their everyday struggles with others. At this point in my life there has and will continue to be many conflicts that will take place throughout my daily routines. Especially being that I’m a college student things like group projects and living in dorms has placed many conflicts in my way that I probably didn’t handle so good. Most of the time when it comes to conflicts in those two areas it’s hard to come to a compromise fitting for both sides. So I feel the relationship centered orientation is something I could use with these problems. But most importantly, where I feel this orientation could help the most is with my relationship. Constantly my girlfriend and I face conflicts where it seems each person’s resolution is better than the others. But being in a relationship you learn to come to compromises all the time, sometimes what’s best for the both of you may not be best for one.  In conclusion, this is an orientation I find to put into play in my life and I hope will help me get through my conflicts in the best way possible. 

Chapter 3: Abuse vs Discipline

To me this is a topic I am very passionate about, the difference between abuse and discipline. I feel the difference between the two has to do with excessiveness and control. I think a parent who is abusive hits their children excessively and uncontrollably to the point where they are physically hurting the child. While a parent who is trying to just discipline their child may hit them but not excessively and to the point where they are not causing physical damage. In my community and the way I grew up parents do discipline their children by “spanking” or “whooping” them, I feel this is very common in the African American lifestyle especially in poverty stricken areas. The reason I say that is because I feel parents’ discipline their children either to show them something or what they did is wrong. And in communities like the one I grew up in, Oakland, California, disciplining their children this way is sometimes needed. Now some might say there are others ways to teach a child right from wrong, but I feel the punishment given to the child equals the severity of the possible outcome if the child does wrong.

            For example, in my community stay out after the street lights goes on can get a kid in a   

            lot of trouble with their parents. That’s because during this time the drug dealers come

            out, shootings and robberies occur, and overall there are a lot of unknown dangers out

            there. So in turn if they do stay out past this time a whooping, to me, would suffice. But

            now let’s take a kid from a wealthy area that does this same thing. Staying out after the

            street lights are on won’t put you in the middle of the same type of dangers a kid from

            my community is put in. That’s why I feel this is a topic that should be decided in

            each household not by society. Furthermore the reason I did throw in African American

            previously is because, in society, or at least in the area I grew up in, minorities were the

            ones who disciplined their children this way, while the upper class communities

            (mostly Caucasians) were against hitting their kids. But like I said before “punishment

            given to the child equals the severity of the possible outcome if the child does wrong”.

In conclusion, I feel parents overstep their paternal authority to punish their children when they excessively “beat” them and physically or mentally hurt their children. I have had "whoopings" plenty of times and I know my mom knows the difference between abuse and discipline; not one time have I had a swollen eye or broken bone from her. But I did realize that what I did was wrong and never to do it again. 

Chapter 3: Orientation

After reading chapter 3 it came to my attention that I tend to use an orientation not of my liking, the self-centered orientation. While I was reading I kept telling myself this couldn't be me, but looking back at my past conflicts this has been what I leaned towards more. Now that I am older though, the relationship-centered orientation has come up here and there in conflicts I have been in, especially with my girlfriend. What stands out to me after pondering on my past conflicts, and it's sad to say, but the self-centered orientation has probably left me with a more satisfied outcome. When I do use this method it always seems that my way is the best way. I know it sounds harsh but this is what crosses my mind (in no way am I saying my way is what’s right though). This is not an orientation a favor but I do feel it is sometimes needed. For example, when I work with a group and the members are shy and we need to get something done.  Or when a deadline needs to be met and no one is making an effort in trying to meet that deadline.  So in these cases I do think this orientation is needed, I may be wrong, but I do feel it works sometimes. Other than situations like this, I feel and want to use the relationship-orientation more when it comes to conflicts I face on a daily basis. Not only do I feel this is the best way to solve a conflict, I feel it is a way where both parties can get both of their needs equally satisfied. 

Chapter 1 & 2

Chapter 1: To me, I do believe conflict is a trait we are born with. From the first time we step foot on this earth conflict is something we begin to go through on a daily basis. In the Webster dictionary conflict is defined as: a mental struggle resulting from opposing needs, drives, wishes, or external demands. As we go through life I feel we have to make decisions like these every day. I think when people hear the word “conflict” they automatically give it a negative connotation. But it’s simply making decisions to get a certain outcome, and I feel this trait is something we as humans are naturally born with. Also, I feel conflict is one of the traits that distinctively sets us apart from any other living creature on earth. Unlike like most living things that have one purpose in life and stick to the same routine everyday; we have the power to choose and make decisions every second of our life. One can decide to be a vegetarian one day and then the next day decides to eat meat again. We can decide to exercise on a daily basis or be lazy and do nothing all day. These are examples of conflicts that we go through, and in my eyes what makes us more human rather than less. This trait or concept of conflict is something I believe is very valuable for us. Overall, I suppose without conflict, we wouldn’t be able to make some of the daily decisions we have to make throughout our lifetime.

Chapter 2: After reading chapter two, what stuck out to me the most was the last and final phase of the process view of conflict. The resolution phase. When I think of any conflict I have had with someone I realize that this last phase is one which I often don’t meet. There have been many instances where I could not accomplish this phase in a conflict, especially in my relationships. When it comes to an argument or conflict I tend to be very stubborn. I either always try to get my point across or simply ignore what the problem is. Usually when a conflict begins with another person, we argue over and over until a solution that is best fitting comes up. Or one of the most often and probably worst things I do is just stop talking about the argument or to the person and the conflict never reaches its end. “Just sweep the dirt under the rug” mentality. The way I feel I can change my thinking or view of this process, is by simply taking my time with each phase and trying to reach a resolution. Most importantly I want to try to not ignore the conflict rather than find a good solution.